Insecurity - a poison of the mind

When entering a relationship, everyone has their flaws. Mine was insecurity. Insecurity can make someone’s mind go crazy – literally. I remember going to church and being told that the mind can be God’s enemy and in this example, I can see why. No matter how much God is trying to speak to you and show you a blessing, your mind speaks louder and tries to shut Him out. It’s not until you ignore your mind and follow your heart and what you see in front of you that you begin to find relief.

I was told by both my grandmother and my mother that men cheat and men leave. That’s it. There’s no happy ending after that. Which is so odd because I was first taught to pamper the man, wash and fold his clothes, cook and serve his food, make him feel as comfortable as possible. Then I am told that they cheat and leave. Well, then why do we pamper him? I assume in efforts to keep him. A minor detail to keep in mind is that after 14 years of marriage, my dad did leave my mom. There’s more to that story but could also be a minor key part of my own insecurities.

I met my husband when I was very young and I knew I loved him. To show him I loved him I made him feel good about himself, I cooked for him, I cleaned up before he came over. It was how I knew how to show him. In the beginning I had no doubts once we were together that he loved me too. But as time went on and we had our first child and moved in together I started to have doubts. He told me he was happy, he went to work and he came home like clockwork.

But what if he really wasn’t at work? What if he was with someone else? What if they were right? So, then I started to question him, where he went and who he was with. The answer remained the same, at work. But my mind was telling me he wasn’t at work and he wasn’t alone. Even if pay stubs were accurate and background noise during phone calls proved he was at work, my mind yelled no! he’s not alone! He is with someone and he is going to leave you!

This put a strain on our relationship. I didn’t even want him to leave the house without me, sometimes even if it was to go to work. If any of you know my husband, you know he is no quitter. That is proven through his commitment to our relationship and not to leave me, even when I was pushing him further and further away with my accusations. Two kids later, Leroy was going to school. I had finished school and started working at a law firm and he was now going to school to get into the dental field. But who was he talking to at school? He could easily skip class and go off somewhere and do God knows what! This is how my mind played out. My mind told me he was going to cheat, then he was going to leave. I couldn’t shake it. I started to punish him for things he did not do. Romance was far away and at times we slept in different rooms. I started to hate him for doing nothing and he started to resent me for making him guilty until proven innocent. My insecurities made me crazy. It made me lonely. It made me push him away. It made me doubt every single move he made.

Forget a peaceful outing. After I got tired of arguing him down, he’d finally leave to hang out with friends, then I’d dial his number over and over again until he got tired of it and came back home. A complete mix of insecurity and immaturity. You ever hear the saying “if you keep looking for it, eventually you’ll find it”? well I did. A single text message to a classmate of his. It didn’t say much, maybe a borderline flirt. But it was enough to send me over the edge. I packed his stuff and told him to leave. He tried talking to me but there was no point. I was enraged. I was furious over the tale I had created in my mind. I was hellbent on making what my mother and grandmother told me to be the truth. He was going to cheat, so before he can leave me – I will make him leave. And he did. He left.

Do you see how crazy this is? And the thing is, I have spoken to so many other females who do the exact same things I was doing at that time. Who accuse their men of doing things, when absolutely nothing is being done. But in our minds, they’ve already done it and we are just looking for any small clue that they have. That’s not to say that there aren’t men out there who are really cheating on their significant others and women’s intuition is coming into play. But there’s a difference. When women’s intuition is in play I am sure there are other factors to it. He’s “working late” or routine habits have now suddenly changed or he’s dressing more nicely than he has before, like there’s someone to impress. That is NOT what I am discussing here. I am talking about making this mess up – like a mental illness.

There’s nothing different, it’s just all in the mind. Maybe you’ve experienced being cheated on before and now you have trust issues. Maybe you’ve seen a parent or friend go through this situation. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism to protect yourself from being hurt. Or maybe your mother and grandmother instilled the mess in your head to where when you finally got in a relationship you started to act it out, fulfill the prophesy.

My husband is no quitter. He came home almost 2 months later and we decided to work on it. But we laid down rules that we were not to cross. I had to trust him. I told him unless I had some real evident proof that something was going on, I would not accuse him of anything. Besides, I was making myself extremely exhausted with the PI work I was doing on him and coming up empty. Second, we would not call each other out of our names – I was again the main culprit of this. Third, no flirtatious text messaging with the opposite sex, ever. Last, no one would interfere or have any impact on our relationship. That meant no social media posts about what’s going on with each other, no seeking outside advice without speaking to each other first and communicating 100% with each other about how we feel, even if it might hurt the other one’s feelings. That last one may sound harsh, but it worked for us. I can tell him what I like or don’t like that he does and he’ll take it into consideration, and vice versa.

Ultimately, we have to be honest with each other, trust each other and be each other’s best friend. I believe a lot of the issues occurred when we were talking with other people about our issues. Well, those other people aren’t going to relay the message to your significant other. They will listen and give advice or in our experience, jump at the opportunity against our vulnerability. Truth be told, there are a lot of “friends” of the opposite sex who will use the friendship card to get…further. Only speaking from experience from both my husband and I.

Our relationship is 100 times better. It felt like we really had started over again. I won’t lie and say that at times I don’t feel my insecurities trying to sneak up on me again. But since we have such a communicative relationship now, I tell my husband when I feel that way and he listens. Then he reassures me that he is not ever going to jeopardize our relationship. And for someone like me, one who suffers from the flaw of insecurity, this is needed.

This probably isn’t the brightest light you will see me in, it’s one of the darker lights. But I am both dark and light – and so are you. Ladies and gentlemen, if you are in a committed relationship and are also feeling unsubtle about your relationship, try to dissect whether it’s intuition or insecurity. You know your spouse and their habits – you know if they’ve changed or if you’re just being unrealistic. And if you do have a question, don’t hold back. Ask your spouse. You may even get your answer from their reaction to your question. But don’t punish them for things they haven’t done or you have no proof of. If they really are doing dirt, it’ll come to the light eventually. It always does.

Our relationship is not perfect now, we still argue about small things like picking up his clothes from the side of the laundry basket. But the arguments hinder as soon as they occur because we don’t want to fight. We’re happier discussing our wants and needs and watching our television shows 😊

We have been in this relationship for going on 16 years next month. We have been married for 10 years. Feel free to contact us for any neutral advice you may seek and we’ll give you an honest opinion. We are happy to help.

Again, the first person you should be speaking to is your significant other. But if you need help on beginning that communication – drop us a line. Maybe we can direct you in the right direction.

Yours truly,

Crystal Rector